Email Tale

Recently, the following documents were recovered during the summer cleaning of dormitory housing of a nearby state college. Analysis reveals that the documents consist of email print-outs and are stained with a mixture of Cheeto residue, Kool-aid and “personal lubricant” Several pages also contain DNA samples of unknown origin.

Here are the documents in chronological order:

Date: 12/01/07

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Welcome to Obama Bloggers! We are happy to have you as a member of our team.

Senator Barack Obama needs elite and informed individuals like yourself to help spread the word about his post-partisan progressive vision for America. In order to accomplish this goal you will receive daily (sometimes hourly) updates with the latest talking points. We encourage you to register under as many aliases as possible at several different progressive blogs. When you receive an update, go to each blog and “spread the word.”

We must put an end to the politics of the past, exemplified by Hillary Clinton and her triangulating and “say anything to win” tactics.

Senator Obama looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

 

Date: 01/10/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

What we feared most has come to past. Bill Clinton is spreading racist smears on Senator Obama. He has referred to Senator Obama as a “kid” and said his claims about Iraq are a “fairy tale.”

We cannot allow such vile racism to go unchallenged.! Go to your assigned blogs and protest.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 01/31/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Our polls show that Senator Obama will sweep the Super Tuesday contests. Unfortunately, many Hillary supporters refuse to believe this and continue to support her. We suggest using the “recommend” and “rating” functions at the important blogs to shut those bitches up. Don’t be shy about expressing your opinion of these shrill dead-enders who are standing in the way of progress.

Dave

 

Date: 02/06/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Apparently there are more racists in this nation than we expected, especially in California, Massachusetts and New Jersey. We expect the rest of February to be very favorable for Senator Obama.

We need volunteers to participate is some state caucuses, if you are interested please contact my office. Travel expenses paid.

Dave

 

 

Date: 02/28/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Despite the lies you may have heard, Senator Obama is a strong opponent of NAFTA. He is the most progressive candidate running, and Hillary only continues to run in order to damage him so that John McCain will win. In fact, we have reliable reports Hillary intends to be McCain’s running mate.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 03/17/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama will be giving a speech tomorrow to put an end to the controversy surrounding Rev. Wright. It is important that you promptly post your overwhelmingly positive reaction to this speech, including how it affected you emotionally and moved you to tears.

Actually viewing the speech will be helpful to you in providing detailed comments, so check your local listings.

Dave

 

 

Date: 04/23/08

 

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

As the polls have shown, Pennsylvania is infested with racists.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

 

Date: 05/13/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama is the inevitable nominee, despite expected narrow losses in West Virginia and Kentucky, where we didn’t even try to compete anyway.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 06/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

The Rules and Bylaws Committee has rendered a fair and just compromise decision.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan count!

 

 

Date: 06/05/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

There seems to have been a slight miscalculation. It turns out that Senator Obama will be needing some or all of the former supporters of Senator Clinton after all. We need to you go to those pro-Hillary blogs and talk sense to those old bitches.

While you’re there, see if you can find out anything about something called “PUMA” that we’ve been hearing about.

Dave

 

 Date: 06/15/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama thanks you for your support in running a post-partisan centrist campaign. He looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

PS: Don’t forget to donate!

 

Date: 07/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: R. Chadwick Throckmorton III

Thank you for your interest in “Obama Fellows 2008.” We congratulate you on receiving you recent degree, however we are only accepting applications from graduates of nationally-accredited universities at this time.

Cordially

Chad

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2 Responses to Email Tale

  1. Elixir says:

    Hey, Miq,

    Just dropped by via Corrente. Great little place you have here. Airy and spacious with lots of sunlight. I’ve always enjoyed your posts, you have a great snark. I look forward to spending much time here. Thanks!

    Elixir

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