NOW and LATER

 

I was surprised and honored to learn that I am a candidate to become the next president of NOW.  I think it’s a great idea because the organization needs a man in charge who knows how to get things done, someone with the balls to take risks.  As Ms. magazine says “The best woman for the job is a man.”

My first act as president will be to change the name of the organization to “LATER” which stands for “Ladies After True Equal Rights.”  Just imagine the chants at tea parties:

What do we want? 

EQUAL RIGHTS!

When will we get them? 

LATER!

My goal will be to restore the true balance intended by God by putting men and women in their proper places.  As Rick Warren says, it is natural for men to be on top, supported and adored by the weaker sex.  “True equal rights” means the right of men to lead and the right of women to help men lead.  The LATER credo will be:

“Helping men help women“

Under my leadership, LATER will continue to be an organization made up primarily of financially secure (upper-middle class) women with college degrees. We will not discriminate – membership will be open to whites and the right (non-threatening) kind of minorities (see: Oprah)  The LATER motto will be:

“We got ours, now go get yours!”

Poor, uneducated women can go cheney themselves – they can’t afford to pay dues anyway.  Besides, how would it look if we belonged to the same organization as our employees?

“That Kind Of Stupid Requires A Penis”

I work hard for the money

A group of my obsessed stalkers dedicated admirers, led by Angry Happy Hopeful Angry Again Vindicated Black Guy, is scouring the Intertoobz and compiling everything I have ever written since my first day in the blogosphere.

When they are finished I will edit it down to manageable size and publish it under the title:

 “That Kind of Stupid Requires a Penis – The Wit and Wisdom of myiq2xu”

Some of my favorite quotes include:

1.     The Jonah Goldberg Principle – “You can prove any thesis to be true if you make up your own definitions of words.”

2.    Only a moron would think Obama was qualified to be President.

3.     If Obama is a feminist then David Duke is a civil rights leader.

4.    You are NOT a girl. No way dude. That kind of stupid requires a penis.
 

You can pre-order now for the low, low price of $19.95 plus $47.05 S&H  (cash only, in small unmarked bills) with delivery guaranteed before the end of the millenium.

Joe Francis buys Ms. Magazine

Joe Francis announced today that he is purchasing Ms. magazine and he will make himself the new managing editor.   He said the unexpected purchase of the magazine was inspired by the cover of its Special Inaugural Issue.  He said “I saw that cover and I realized that if Barack Obama can be a feminist then so can I.” 

The 35 year-old Francis is  a self-made multi-millionaire who has launched the movie careers of 100’s of young women, some of them while they were still minors.  One of the aspiring young performers, Ashley Alexandra Dupré, later became involved in politics and played a intimate role in helping David Paterson become Governor of New York.

In 1997, at the age of 24, Francis founded Mantra Films, Inc. which combined independent filmmaking with infomercial marketing to become a media empire.  Francis and his film crews traveled the country looking for young women willing to show what they had to offer.

Francis said he plans to expand the Ms. readership by adding a monthly centerfold pictorial that will be called “Fem-babe of the Month”  He also said he wants to replace the current “dried up staff of writers with some perkier new talent.”  He added “The staff is bloated and their performance is sagging.  We need to cut the fat.”

To help him with managing the magazine, Francis said he is creating an Editorial Board that will include Phyllis Schafly (Women’s Rights)  Rick Warren (Reproductive Rights) Mark Foley (Children and Family) and Donnie McClurkin (LGBT Rights)

Francis announced that to increase sales Ms. has reached a joint agreement with the Church and Dwight company and they will be offering a free Trojan “Vibrating Touch” with every new subscription in a marketing campaign he called “Get the latest buzz from Ms.”

Francis said his next project will be acquiring and expanding the the “Hooters” restaurant chain (another ‘female-friendly’ employer) because “We need to see more Hooters.”

————————————————————————————

UPDATE:  An anonymous source at Ms. reports that Francis is in negotiations with Jim Newell and Ken Layne of Wonkette to take over as co-editors.  “They’re from Wonkette so they must be feminists” the source said.

————————————————————————————

UPDATE II:  Francis denied rumors he plans the change the magazine’s name to “Ms-ogyny”

Why Are You Crying?

There is a very good reason why the Obama campaign is crying about the New Yorker cover.  They are crying because it is satire, and kewl hipsters cannot be the target of ridicule, because then they won’t be kewl hipsters anymore.

From Molly Ivins:

There are two kinds of humor. One kind that makes us chuckle about our foibles and our shared humanity — like what Garrison Keillor does. The other kind holds people up to public contempt and ridicule — that’s what I do. Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. I only aim at the powerful. When satire is aimed at the powerless, it is not only cruel — it’s vulgar.

Fads die to the sound of laughter.

(RIP Molly)

Email Tale

Recently, the following documents were recovered during the summer cleaning of dormitory housing of a nearby state college. Analysis reveals that the documents consist of email print-outs and are stained with a mixture of Cheeto residue, Kool-aid and “personal lubricant” Several pages also contain DNA samples of unknown origin.

Here are the documents in chronological order:

Date: 12/01/07

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Welcome to Obama Bloggers! We are happy to have you as a member of our team.

Senator Barack Obama needs elite and informed individuals like yourself to help spread the word about his post-partisan progressive vision for America. In order to accomplish this goal you will receive daily (sometimes hourly) updates with the latest talking points. We encourage you to register under as many aliases as possible at several different progressive blogs. When you receive an update, go to each blog and “spread the word.”

We must put an end to the politics of the past, exemplified by Hillary Clinton and her triangulating and “say anything to win” tactics.

Senator Obama looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

 

Date: 01/10/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

What we feared most has come to past. Bill Clinton is spreading racist smears on Senator Obama. He has referred to Senator Obama as a “kid” and said his claims about Iraq are a “fairy tale.”

We cannot allow such vile racism to go unchallenged.! Go to your assigned blogs and protest.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 01/31/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Our polls show that Senator Obama will sweep the Super Tuesday contests. Unfortunately, many Hillary supporters refuse to believe this and continue to support her. We suggest using the “recommend” and “rating” functions at the important blogs to shut those bitches up. Don’t be shy about expressing your opinion of these shrill dead-enders who are standing in the way of progress.

Dave

 

Date: 02/06/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Apparently there are more racists in this nation than we expected, especially in California, Massachusetts and New Jersey. We expect the rest of February to be very favorable for Senator Obama.

We need volunteers to participate is some state caucuses, if you are interested please contact my office. Travel expenses paid.

Dave

 

 

Date: 02/28/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Despite the lies you may have heard, Senator Obama is a strong opponent of NAFTA. He is the most progressive candidate running, and Hillary only continues to run in order to damage him so that John McCain will win. In fact, we have reliable reports Hillary intends to be McCain’s running mate.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 03/17/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama will be giving a speech tomorrow to put an end to the controversy surrounding Rev. Wright. It is important that you promptly post your overwhelmingly positive reaction to this speech, including how it affected you emotionally and moved you to tears.

Actually viewing the speech will be helpful to you in providing detailed comments, so check your local listings.

Dave

 

 

Date: 04/23/08

 

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

As the polls have shown, Pennsylvania is infested with racists.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

 

Date: 05/13/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama is the inevitable nominee, despite expected narrow losses in West Virginia and Kentucky, where we didn’t even try to compete anyway.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 06/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

The Rules and Bylaws Committee has rendered a fair and just compromise decision.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan count!

 

 

Date: 06/05/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

There seems to have been a slight miscalculation. It turns out that Senator Obama will be needing some or all of the former supporters of Senator Clinton after all. We need to you go to those pro-Hillary blogs and talk sense to those old bitches.

While you’re there, see if you can find out anything about something called “PUMA” that we’ve been hearing about.

Dave

 

 Date: 06/15/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama thanks you for your support in running a post-partisan centrist campaign. He looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

PS: Don’t forget to donate!

 

Date: 07/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: R. Chadwick Throckmorton III

Thank you for your interest in “Obama Fellows 2008.” We congratulate you on receiving you recent degree, however we are only accepting applications from graduates of nationally-accredited universities at this time.

Cordially

Chad